You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just invented taco cereal.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You need a sexual gate keeper
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
