I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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