I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
