I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
