its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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