i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
