she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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