and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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