he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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