so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
