Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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