You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
