the condom got lost in my hair
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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