I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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