I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
