That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What drink are we having for lunch?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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