my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
