sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
