Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
