he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
