census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
