She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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