I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
