I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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