Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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