There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She told me I should be a condom model.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
