i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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