Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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