MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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