4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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