My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
