I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Michael Bay diarrhea
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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