Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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