Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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