Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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