there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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