Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
