distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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