DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
