So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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