wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
