are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
