my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just had sex on a roof
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
