I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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