my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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