watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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