no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
