Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
