Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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