Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
