take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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