Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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