I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
