I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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