shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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