i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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