Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
