Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
